Sta.sh
~a puzzle that needs to be solve that brings more confusion to the mind~
~a math problem that seeks answers that brings more questions in the end~
~a riddle with twist and turns that brings more pathways with infinite possibilities~
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:Authors Critical Thinking Notes:
There are pieces that brings out a much bigger puzzle, it’s an infinite phase that brings the unpredictability of the galaxy’s Life cycle, a tiny bit of fraction can lead to another superior picture.
"you can never see what it seems to be"
Man is trying to answers the cycle of life of the entire galaxy
Guessing that it’s too much information for man to take in his brain
But with the help of technology, maybe they can
I’m not a scientist, I’m not philosopher yet
But wishing I am
Dreams are free
Thinking big made you lost the grasp of reality
Just don’t forget yourself
To step in your ground
Find your balance
(*)
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I can tell English is not your first language, so as well as a general critique I'll go through and give a quick edit for spelling and grammar. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
In this first section, you would replace the word "that" with commas. I also fixed the words "solved" and "twists":
~a puzzle that needs to be solved, brings more confusion to the mind~
~a math problem that seeks answers, brings more questions in the end~
~a riddle with twists and turns, brings more pathways with infinite possibilities~
I'm not entirely sure what's the point of the plus signs and ":Authors Critical Thinking Notes:". They make the piece a little messy and haphazard.
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:Authors Critical Thinking Notes:
Edits: "bring", changed the first comma to a period, removed the words "bit of".
The word "phase" means something that only lasts for a period of time, and therefore cannot be infinite, so that part is an oxymoron. Not sure if that was done on purpose.
There are pieces that bring out a much bigger puzzle. It’s an infinite phase that brings the unpredictability of the galaxy’s Life cycle, a tiny fraction can lead to another superior picture.
I think this part would be better off changing the word "never" to "only". Since what something seems to be, is not actually what it is, and that would be the part you're seeing. You can never see what it ACTUALLY is, but you do see what it SEEMS to be.
"you can never see what it seems to be"
Edit: added the word "find" and "about", "a", changed the word "made" to "makes" and "lost" to "lose" so that they're in the right tense.
I like this last part! It has some very true ideas, that we cannot understand everything about the galaxy, but maybe with technology we can start! I also like the bit about dreaming and wanting to be a scientist eventually.
Man is trying to find answers about the cycle of life of the entire galaxy
Guessing that it’s too much information for man to take in his brain
But with the help of technology, maybe they can
I’m not a scientist, I’m not a philosopher yet
But wishing I am
Dreams are free
Thinking big makes you lose the grasp of reality
Just don’t forget yourself
To step in your ground
Find your balance
(*)
Second: before I edit it all I want to explain the messy and haphazardness :
First ~ the “+” symbol… I’m always fascinated with that symbol and I think it greatly adds the depth to my poem… it’s a bit of symbolism to me… I am an truly an visual artist and writing is my second love… as an artist, I love my works to be visually creative, even though just a bit… and in DA… I found it very hard for it didn’t follow the format I wanted… you can see in the format I wanted in wc, I provide it in the link below…
Second ~ the authors critical thinking notes. I just want to expressed myself as part of the poem… I just wanted to be different… if being different becomes messy and haphazard then I’m into it… for I am quite a messy person myself… and haphazard is quite a new word for me so I also accept that as randomness.. so I don’t mind being random as long as I expressed what I wanted to expressed…
Third: yes, you are right… English is not my first nor my second… thank you for acknowledging that
Fourth: I agree to all the change you done… except one that made me really think
~ in that matter I am not really sure you get it or I didn’t get what you meant….
If I put the two sentence:
“You can never see what it ACTUALLY is, but you do see what it SEEMS to be.”
"you can never see what it seems to be"
~ I think they have the same outcome… but the power the word holds seems gone or so
atleast to me.. as if the profoundness becomes explained… or I think it is…
~ so I guess I would not change that… hope you don’t mind it… but truly I am grateful with your time and effort in editing my work… I highly appreciate that…
“You can never see what it ACTUALLY is, but you do see what it SEEMS to be.”
"you can never see what it seems to be"
I was not suggesting that you change the sentence to what I said. I was more explaining to you the difference between the two words because saying "you can never see what it seems to be" doesn't actually make sense. What something "seems" to be is always what you see. Because if it seems to be that way, it is usually because it looks that way but is not actually that way. So I think what you mean by that sentence is that you can "only see what it seems to be", which would mean that you cannot see what it actually is, only what it looks like to you because you cannot understand it. Is that clearer at all?
the posibilities is just infinite...
I was impresss yet again from the thoughts of my friends in wc and yours too...
thank you dear friend.