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Literature Text
Made my world go crazy
things get suddenly messy
unknown feeling makes me happy
please have pity
Cause my heart is just empty.
Fill it with lively
colors and pretty thingy
burst it with love
going, going
to its satisfying contentment.
things get suddenly messy
unknown feeling makes me happy
please have pity
Cause my heart is just empty.
Fill it with lively
colors and pretty thingy
burst it with love
going, going
to its satisfying contentment.
---
featured in the deviantART birthdAy Countdown!
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many thanks to
recommend it to read it out loud..stop on every break..
featured in the deviantART birthdAy Countdown!
[link]
many thanks to
recommend it to read it out loud..stop on every break..
© 2011 - 2024 willyamPax
Comments12
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I will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
Firstly, is the capital 'o' in the title there on purpose or is it a typo? If it is a typo it can easily be fixed by editing the deviation.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza
L = Line
Grammar:
Some of this poem is hard to read due to the lack of punctuation - but I will deal with this in the next point. Let me tell you the few grammatical things I picked up:
ST 1, L1/ST 1, L2 - your tenses don't agree within this two lines. It needs to either be 'made my world...' or 'things get...'.
ST 1, L3 - you need your article to start of this line, sometimes you can do without them, but this isn't one of those times. This line needs to start with an 'an'
ST 2, L2 - 'thingy' should be 'things' (in my opinion)
Here's where I become confused.
burst it with lovely what?
"until a little bit going more" - this line doesn't make sense in my head.
Punctuation:
You have one comma throughout this entire piece. While I do understand that punctuation can be viewed as a stylistic choice, I am still all for adding it. My reason is this. I was taught when analysing poetry, that when there is no punctuation you simply read on as if the line is one sentence. Bearing that in mind, your entire poem then becomes one sentence, as you never end the sentence anywhere. This makes it hard to read and even harder to understand. I would seriously consider adding some punctuation to this piece.
Overall:
I like that this isn't a traditional 'love poem' in that it is original and not too 'mushy'.
J
Firstly, is the capital 'o' in the title there on purpose or is it a typo? If it is a typo it can easily be fixed by editing the deviation.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = LineGrammar:
Some of this poem is hard to read due to the lack of punctuation - but I will deal with this in the next point. Let me tell you the few grammatical things I picked up:
ST 1, L1/ST 1, L2 - your tenses don't agree within this two lines. It needs to either be 'made my world...' or 'things get...'.
ST 1, L3 - you need your article to start of this line, sometimes you can do without them, but this isn't one of those times. This line needs to start with an 'an'
ST 2, L2 - 'thingy' should be 'things' (in my opinion)
Here's where I become confused.
burst it with lovely what?
"until a little bit going more" - this line doesn't make sense in my head.
Punctuation:
You have one comma throughout this entire piece. While I do understand that punctuation can be viewed as a stylistic choice, I am still all for adding it. My reason is this. I was taught when analysing poetry, that when there is no punctuation you simply read on as if the line is one sentence. Bearing that in mind, your entire poem then becomes one sentence, as you never end the sentence anywhere. This makes it hard to read and even harder to understand. I would seriously consider adding some punctuation to this piece.
Overall:
I like that this isn't a traditional 'love poem' in that it is original and not too 'mushy'.
J